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high-functioning nausea
“when doing life stops working” Nature.People.Sunshine.Movement. California is still beautiful.It has so much to offer. But I’m not responding to any of it. I went whale watching because it’s an epic thing to do here.The water was choppy. I sat at the front, convinced I’d be fine. Fifteen minutes later, I wasn’t. I spent the…
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the first dive
“asking for help” I’m not used to slowing down. Listening to podcasts. Reading. Breathing on purpose.Meditating. Journaling. All of it feels new. Slightly unnatural.Like trying on someone else’s habits. Growing up, most things were functional.We maximised productivity. Optimised time. Streamlined processes. Even reading was functional.You read for exams. You read the paper so you knew…
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rupture
“emotional release during stillness in yoga“ My gym offers a bunch of classes.Different kinds of yoga too.I figured if it was free, it probably sucked. Yin.No idea what that meant, but I signed up. It was a noon class.Mostly retirees. I walked in late and unrolled my Lululemon mat dead center.A quiet statement. Ready to…
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rag doll
“on people pleasing” “You’re my perfect daughter.”My mom told me that in kindergarten. I carried it like a prophecy. Straight A’s. Class monitor. Polite friends.A gold-star girl, smiling on cue. At first, it felt like love.Later, it felt like a cage. Under the stickers and praise,I wasn’t thriving. I was performing. Maybe it made her…
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between labels
“on mixed identity“ Humans love labels.We sort and name for comfort.To know where a person begins and ends.To decide what to expect. I’ve always complicated the categories.Whether that was imposed on me,or a shape I learned to take,I’m not entirely sure.It just kept happening. One of my earliest memories: primary school.My Chinese teacher studies my…
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the checklist
“burnout from overachieving“ I used to love checklists.I loved the certainty of them.The way a tick could turn effort into proof. I’d been trained for this long before spreadsheets, learning silence as a performer. Master’s degree: done.Job title: presentable.Promotion: done.Visas in different countries: approved.LinkedIn summary: glowing. On paper, I was doing everything right. From the…
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seen, not heard
“learning silence as a performer” I grew up as a performer.It sounds neutral enough. Almost harmless.But for me, that sentence has layers. It started in primary school, when my older sister began dancing before I did.I remember my parents driving her to practice. Watching her on stage, in awe. Seeing her as part of a…
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california sun
“cultural whiplash in the light” When I think of California, I think of people who don’t apologize for existing.Confidence. Volume. Space.Freedom like it’s their middle name.After all, isn’t that what America is about? The soaring eagle and all that. Growing up, we had satellite TV, a whopping twenty channels to choose from.And with that, a…
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offstage
“the quiet right before I meet myself” The shift began quietly.A slow withdrawal I barely noticed. For years, my life lived on a screen,curated for an audience I couldn’t see,but never stopped performing for. This too was the drift. Every moment became a potential post.Every joy, something to polish.Every version of me… a performance I…
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drift
“somewhere between where I came from and where I’m going” I left home nearly a decade ago, carrying a kind of expat grief I didn’t have language for yet. First stop: the capital.I told my mom it was just for my undergrad.She wasn’t thrilled, but I promised I’d be back after graduating.(Spoiler: I did not.)…
exploring mimi
becoming, still